I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
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how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
It was worth a shot 😂
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.