The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
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A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
Itโs probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: IโM NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortalโฆhave you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over ๐
P: can’t. Kidnapped ๐
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
i just blocked everyone whoโs face i donโt like, so if youโre seeing thisโฆhiii
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
Got an email from my kidโs teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say โsorry Iโm lateโ.
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
โ ๐ง๐ต๐ถ๐ ๐๐๐ฒ๐ฟ ๐ถ๐ ๐น๐ผ๐๐ ๐ฎ๐ ๐๐ฒ๐ฎ
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we donโt fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
Me:
Remember when we didnโt have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking wonโt load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.