Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
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I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.