If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
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“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
these two trucks have the same bed length
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.