If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
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Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
I will never stop laughing at this
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
ouch
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell