I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
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When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.