What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
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Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
This a good idea
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot