If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
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Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
Become a minion. Get that bread.
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
Love this one 😂🧟
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
#math
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
taking June’s advice to heart
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…