ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
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Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game