Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
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One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.