[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
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Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit