My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
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I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
it must be school picture day
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
This hospital has everything
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.