No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
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4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here