So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
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send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
Breaking news:
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.