I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
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[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
he’s sick of your bullshit today
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
Perfection.
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free