“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
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Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.