You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
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Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
choose your gary
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions