I am also baked goods
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Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
A game married people play.
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread