When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
You Might Also Like
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car