tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
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Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
I’m aging like a fine banana
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
all bases covered
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
Not all heroes wear capes….
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98