BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
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If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
😂😂
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”