Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
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I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”