If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
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The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.