My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
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Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie