My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
You Might Also Like
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
3% human
97% stress
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.