her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
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Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
it be like that
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right