I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
You Might Also Like
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.