Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
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me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
“HELP WITH CAT”
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe