Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
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[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
In case you needed to hear it:
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T