ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
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‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
Support your local cemetery
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.