Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
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*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?