I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
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My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”