I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
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Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
What if the weather talks about us?
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes