The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
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It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
Wedding planning is organized crime.
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.