Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
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In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
Saturday
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
As the Lord intended
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER