Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
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I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an