I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
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ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
what could possibly go wrong?
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
me
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows