A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
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was Jim off killing horses or…
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
😂😂😂
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.