*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
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My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us