there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
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Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer