My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
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The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better