A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
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How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds