In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
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Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
Quadruple digit IQ
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.