me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
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[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.