Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
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me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
My beach vacation Google searches
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”