I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
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#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.