“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
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my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?