Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
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Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
listen closely
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what