by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
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Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
I’d rather go liquor treating.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up