Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
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It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
I get distracted pretty eas
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.